Day Twenty-Two - Breaking the Silence!

Today I am able to speak again! I am only allowed to speak in a 'confidential' tone in order to preserve my voice as it continues to heal, and alternate between writing and speaking. So it will be a while before I'm back to full strength, but it's so good to hear my voice again!

The strangest thing is that I'm still using hand-signs before I realize that I can vocalize now! It seems that all habits die hard. :)

With a few edits and a bibliography, I actually think the first draft of my dissertation is ready.

Day Twenty-One

Well, this is my last day of total silence. It has been a learning experience, frustrating, and revealing at the same time. It's been a blessing, in that no one could hear my accent and therefore did not treat me poorly because I'm American; and a curse, because I have only been able to chat with friends via the Internet or writing on a notepad.

Tomorrow I'll be able to speak in low tones, but will still need to alternate with the notepad. I won't be able to teach or speak louder than a 'confidential' voice until the end of June, after which I am hoping to offer a class. I hope that my voice returns even better than it used to be; I miss singing very much.

I have my next checkup on the third. Hopefully I will know more by then.

The dissertation is at 12,000 words, and I am somewhat thankful for these weeks of enforced silence enabling me to finish my last task before I leave Scotland.

Day 20

One more day. I can't believe it!

I'm considering posting a video of myself dancing, to see if I have a different way of communicating through movement after spending such a long time virtually mute. Even on Monday, when I am able to eat normally and speak again, I will have to limit my voice use, write in a notepad, and keep my voice very quiet (without whispering).

For those of you unfamiliar with your own vocal cords, here is what they look like:

http://www.pitt.edu/~anat/Head/Larynx/LarynxVocal.JPG

It's a drawing rather than a photo for the squeamish. I once did a speech on the larynx in 5th grade, so I am familiar with what they look like, but I find that others do not. I am very aware of exactly where they are now.

Today I had to talk because I needed to ship something at the post office, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to say 'Alaska' and have the person at the desk say 'Glasgow?' when it hurts to talk and your voice is very hoarse. :S

I was going to attend a hafla tonight but am not feeling well enough at the moment, which is very disappointing as I had been looking forward to the event for some time. I am looking forward to finishing the recuperation period.

I will continue to update this blog through the rest of the recuperation, which will be until the last week in June.

Day Nineteen

I woke up with pain in my throat, but went back to the painkillers and the dietary restrictions. My throat is feeling better now. However, I can't figure out why I'm still having this level of pain so far along in my recovery. I suppose it sort of makes sense as the full recovery time is 6 weeks.

Back to the grindstone today, to see if I can get another 1,000 words in my dissertation.

Day Eighteen

Another one of those 'I shouldn't have done that' days. I didn't take my painkillers, talked, had dairy, and had some alcohol. I was then the recipient of the most horrible pain I've had in my throat, as if the surgery had just happened. So I guess it's time to take it easy again. You'd think I'd have learned last time, but I figured since the 21 days were nearly up it didn't matter. It does. So now I'm back to being mute until Monday.

I took a day off from writing my dissertation; just looking at it now makes me feel tired. I can't think of anything else I want to say, and I'm at 10,000 words with a goal of 15,000. I'm hoping to get some inspiration soon.

Day Seventeen

I'm getting fairly antsy for the end of this. As interesting as life has been while I've been forced into silence, it's also very frustrating. I feel for those who will be mute for a lifetime.

As a nice counterpoint to the rudeness of yesterday, this morning people helped me get apple juice out of the vending machine, and they were very nice about it. Sometimes I think being in this situation can also make people friendlier than they would otherwise be; either the perceived disability or that I would take time to write something down makes people more ready to trust than they might otherwise be.

Today's dissertation goal is to reach 10,000 words. The overall goal is 15,000, which I hope to reach by Monday, and then start revising.

5 days left until I can speak and dietary restrictions are gone. I am hoping for a bottle of champagne.

Day Sixteen

I had a pretty awful sore throat last night. I can't figure it; shouldn't I be feeling better by now? Then again, the full recovery period is supposed to be six weeks.

I had lunch with a friend today which was nice, although writing in the notepad is getting very old. However, the man who runs the cafe knows me and gave us a free order of American bacon because of my throat. :) So that was nice.

While we were walking back to the uni, we paused in front of a pub so I could write things down for her to read. Across the street, a rubbish bin was on fire and billowing smoke into the air. While I was writing, a man in front of the pub said 'Can I ask why this is being done in front of a public establishment?' and indicated my writing. My friend said 'She can't speak and has to write things down in a notepad'. The man just walked off, without even apologizing. People here can be frequently rude, impolite, and unapologetic even if they committed a gaffe that most people would backpedal on. How many people would just walk off if they'd discovered the person they were challenging was mute? Anyway, both of us have become accustomed to rude behaviour here. She was telling me how she saw an elderly woman fall down in the subway station and everyone was simply irritated; they didn't even try to help. I wrote 'New York is nicer than this' and she replied, 'that is sad'. There are good things too, of course, but the bad things tend to be a lot more common. It's not a city I'd recommend to anyone.

I've almost hit the 9,000 word mark on my dissertation. Only 6,000 more to go...and six more days before my dietary and vocal restrictions are lifted. The time cannot arrive soon enough.

Day Fifteen

Well yesterday wasn't fantastic. I had an argument with a friend. However I managed to keep quiet all day and am doing well today with that too.

I will be having coffee today with some friends, hopefully. It alleviates the boredom and frustration in having to always be silent if I'm around others. Plugging away at my dissertation as well, hoping to get at least a rough draft finished before I move.

Last night I had a nightmare about singing again, in which my throat ached terribly and my voice was gone afterwards. I woke this morning feeling all right but when I try to hum I feel the same pain. I hope that I am not singing in my sleep because I miss it so much.

Day Fourteen

Well, I made a lot of mistakes yesterday.

I actually talked - had some conversations, because I was fed up with silence, particularly after the party. All it got me was an aching throat and a lost voice (which even when it was extant sounded dark and wheezy). However, at least I know I have one now...but I can see the value of keeping silent for the next week. Even after this three-week period I will still have to alternate between writing and talking...I hope that my indiscretion won't affect the healing process.

Also foolishly I had some cheese and sour cream as I was fed up with the diet, and that just got me back into coughing fits, which had subsided for the most part. Dairy coats the vocal cords and since there's already the feeling of 'something' being in my throat, that didn't help.

Back to total silence and eating the right way. I feel quite chastened.

Today is beautiful just like the last two; I think summer has arrived in Scotland. I've finally decided to dress for warmer weather.

One more week and I will be able to speak again.

Day Thirteen

Last night was amusing and frustrating at the same time.

When you are only able to write down your thoughts, often the conversation has moved swiftly onwards before you are able to get someone to read out what you wrote (as well as the act of writing also taking time). However, I am glad that my friends made the effort, particularly as they were drinking. The other issue is that it is very difficult to get anything you are trying to say across to people, as they have to guess at intent/vocal inflection/etc., so I would say I was misunderstood for about half the evening.

I also had the unique experience of seeing people drinking while I was sober, which hasn't happened in many years. The strangest part of the evening was when an aging ned bit an onion in half in my face (I'm still not sure why). For those of you unfamiliar with this term, there is more information available here: http://www.glasgowsurvival.co.uk/

Today is absolutely gorgeous, just like yesterday. I'm hoping to have a day off, regardless of how much I need to write this dissertation...I'm quite tired of spending my days in front of a computer screen, which was never my preferred state; I like the outdoors too much. However, I need to have the paper finished, at least a rough draft, before I make the journey home in June.

I am in fairly high spirits today.

Day Twelve

Well, I have been out and about today quite a bit for the first time. It's a gorgeous day here, just like summer...but of course I have to stay indoors for most of it, working on my dissertation. I met with several people today (the bank, professors, etc) and one of them said communicating with me was 'a very surreal experience' which she had never had before. I also had to inform people that I was able to hear them quite a few times.

All in all, I am feeling positive today, trying to look on the bright side as my landlady always tells me.

Day Eleven - Halfway Point

I am feeling a lot better today physically. On the other hand, life circumstances have taken a turn for the worse.

I am nearing the end of my application process for the PhD, so here's hoping something comes of that. I met up with a friend yesterday and that was nice, even though I had to communicate via a notepad.

I am weary of a dairy-free diet...I have no idea how vegans do this. I have also been invited to an end-of-year party tomorrow evening, and while I am hoping to go, my personal alcohol ban will be difficult to deal with.

I find that with exercises, my voice seems to be getting a bit stronger. Here at the halfway point, I am hoping for the best.

Day Ten

This morning I woke up with a throat as sore as it was the day of my operation. I hope that doesn't mean anything too bad.

I am working through my PhD applications to colleges, and hoping to have them finished soon, as I need to focus on my dissertation.

Otherwise, it's very very quiet here and the further along I go, the more melancholy I seem to get. I am not a sad person by nature, but it seems that being silent makes me concentrate too much on sad things.

Day Nine

Yesterday a man came to the door to read the gas meter; I wrote in my notepad asking about it. He took the pad and wrote a response...I suppose it makes sense, as mostly if you encountered someone doing that they wouldn't be able to hear you, either.

I am feeling extremely isolated by my inability to speak, and trepidation about my upcoming return to the US. Fitting in, how my friends will be - the world has turned for all of us this last year. So it is difficult to know what is going to happen.

The best times I have are when people talk to me, either via chat or skype (me typing, with them talking). It makes this feel a lot less lonely. Thanks to those who have done both for me.

However, I am coming to realize that much like my experience of living abroad, this surgery and its recovery period are not things others will be able to fully understand. Returning home is something I both look forward to and fear. So I suppose I am feeling a little melancholy today.

Day Eight

Not a great deal to report today, though I finished my proposal and have moved on to the dissertation. My goal is 1,000 words per day, so I should be finished with a rough draft in about a week. I am sure that there will be days when I write more than 1,000 but it is a good goal for the moment as I am still in recovery.

I am able to eat hard foods again, so I celebrated this with hummus and crackers. Another two weeks and I am out of the woods. I am looking forward to the end of this time. I have spoken a little, though my voice sounds like a creaky old door or the type of voice you'd hear in a horror film, so I have not attempted to share it with most people. Hopefully I will continue to improve.

A friend mentioned that I should choose my 5-6 words carefully, and then listed several unrelated words together, which was quite funny! Think of the words most important to you today, if you could only say five or six. What would you say, and who would you say it to?

Day Seven

Wow, a week already...tomorrow I will be able to have hard foods again. I think I will try and find a place that sells streaky bacon. In the UK, they serve a different type of bacon than the US. It's funny how you miss the little things.

I am continuing to try the humming, but every time I get into my regular vocal range or higher it's extremely painful. I have been allowed a few words a day (about 5-6) in order to start exercising the vocal cords.

One of my friends said that she thought about being silent for a day or so to see how it felt, but then she said she couldn't think of a convenient time. Then she said she supposed that was the point, that there was no convenient time. This is the most frustrating part; I had to cancel my dance classes and am unable to do much of anything but my proposal and dissertation since I do not need my voice for either, but most employable skills involve the use of your voice. Therefore I have been fortunate to have received some donations and was able to pay a couple weeks' rent at least, so I thank those who have donated; they have been lifesavers.

I saw Robin Hood last night; it was good, an interesting take on the story prior to the Robin Hood we are all familiar with. The lutes featured quite prominently so I am proud and happy for my friend and his father. They also manufactured the gut strings used in the film Walk the Line. It is nice to see people you love succeed in such a spectacular fashion.

The generalized pain seems to be less today, but the headache is still there. I find that sunlight hurts my eyes a great deal, which is a feeling I am not accustomed to. I'm not sure if that has to do with the surgery or the painkillers. I was very exhausted after my friend took me to see Robin Hood, though, so I think I am still healing. I only hope that my voice will return after the weeks have passed.

After my three weeks of silence, I will have three more of combined talking and writing on a pad. So it is a six week recovery time, and I am told that even after that it will take a while for my voice to be whatever it will end up being for the rest of my life. I can say that I have learned a great deal about the value of hand pantomime and skywriting (writing in the air with your fingertip to spell out letters) during this time, and how to distill a thought from the several you are thinking about so you only need to say one thing.

A friend of mine wondered, after this, if I would go back to how I used to communicate or would decide I enjoyed being quiet. Only time will tell.

Day Six

I woke up this morning groggy again, with a headache and sore throat. I suppose both are to be expected. However, I am feeling more awake now. The sun is out and I will be going out later.

One of my best friends, (who is one of the most important people in my life) and his father made the lutes for the film Robin Hood. They are beautiful pieces of craftsmanship, and if anyone has the opportunity to see the film and look at these pieces they should. So I will be going to attend the film this evening. Hopefully it will not require a great deal of energy, and I want to support them.

Still working on the proposal. I am very fortunate to have friends here that support me while I am ill. It is not easy when I am so far from home.

Day Five, Later

I have been developing my PhD proposal with some help. I am hoping it eventually looks like a good piece of academic work.

The coughing seems to have subsided a bit. Nothing much going on aside from boredom and looking forward to singing again one day.

Day Five

Woke this morning, still in pain. However, it is a sunny day in Scotland! I feel much more awake than I did yesterday, so perhaps it will be easier to figure out this proposal. I move into serious work on my dissertation starting next week (I thought I would give myself time to recuperate before tackling it). I am feeling optimistic today about things.

Day Four - Later

A less than thrilling day spent trying to figure out what it is professors are looking for in a PhD application.

However, a few of the friends I had been missing the most contacted me and I was able to chat with them, which made me feel a great deal less lonely. One of them even called me on Skype, which was a strange experience - typing while they are talking makes a conversation rather lopsided, but I was glad to see them again even if I couldn't talk. I will probably be doing that with another friend this weekend as well.

Another involuntary attempt at speaking; I said 'hang on' while I was being handed a bowl. Some sound did emerge; not much, but enough that I felt a lot better about how well I was healing. Part of what I need to do is make a humming noise, and change its pitch. I tried this but upon going into a higher register (the part that was missing because of the cyst) there was a horrible pain, so I stopped. Hopefully it's just that I am still healing and since that was the part of my voice most affected, it's the part that will be the most painful.

I have developed my own sign language; signs for 'hungry', 'drink', 'painkiller', and 'think' are all I've got at the moment, but I seem to be steadily working on more.

Day Four

I could not wake up today; I felt very groggy and was barely able to drag myself out of bed by noon. I'm trying to do some schoolwork while I am ill but it seems that I am fairly exhausted most of the day.

It is becoming more and more trying not to speak, particularly if I get frustrated trying to communicate by signs. Yesterday's excursion was most likely a bad idea, but there were things that needed to be done.

It is hard to communicate the idea of emotions without a voice.

Day Three, Later

My first excursion took a lot out of me. I saw my postgraduate supervisor and the student services people, all of whom were very understanding once I wrote down that I could not speak. My supervisor said I should go home and rest, which I gladly did. I am surprised at how exhausted I was after such a short venture. The light stung my eyes and I found everything much more tiring than usual.

Later, I accidentally spoke because I was not paying attention; just a couple of words about food. All that came out was a hissing noise rather than anything recognizable as a voice. I hope that this does not mean anything, and that I am still healing. It is amazing how much concentration it takes to write things down rather than try to talk.

The coughing issue has not subsided as of yet. I am unsure of what to do about that.

I think I will have to rest up for a couple more days before I try to do anything else.

Day Three

I am sorry I was unable to post last night, but exhaustion got the best of me.

I am finding the situation extremely lonely; homesickness has intensified and I am missing my friends and family back home, especially certain friends. It's strange how isolation increases when you are unable to speak...or possibly to be expected.

The pain seems to worsen rather than improve, although I have frequently heard in life that things 'get worse before they get better'. The painkillers I have are effective, but they make me feel strange. Yesterday was spent primarily trying to get a few things accomplished online and watching Doctor Who.

Today I have to go into uni so I can give my medical note to my supervisor. This will be my first real challenge of going out into the world in my current state. I will post about that experience later today.

Day Two

I will begin by describing yesterday's experiences, as I am now aware enough to do so.

Two friends picked me up and drove me to the hospital, where I was given a bed in a room with three other people. For those in the United States, it may surprise them that the room was shared all day, that there were no televisions, and that the visiting hours were very short (only two hours per day at different times). As one of my friends said, space is at a premium here.

Shelagh had to return the car so Susan stayed with me. We chatted for several hours, as I was waiting my turn to arrive at the operating theatre. I was very happy to have her company, as there is something unnerving about having surgery so far from home, without family or old friends for support. So I appreciated that both of them accompanied me to the hospital. I found the hospital to be rather run-down looking, not clean and crisp as I have been accustomed to in American hospitals. We were waiting because they performed tonsillectomies and the 'easy' surgeries earlier in the morning, so I was waiting to be taken in. I was last, as apparently my surgery is not a very common one. Prior to the surgery, I had to sign a paper stating that there would be no guarantee I would get my voice back in the same or better condition. Although this concerned me, especially as I had a friend write me advising against the surgery, I felt I had no choice. Susan also said that if she was in my position, alone in another country, this would be the only choice for her as well. I can only hope that after three weeks I will be better and that my voice will come back.

I was wheeled down to another room, where several patients were waiting in beds to go into the operating theatre. Eventually I was brought into the theatre where I was anaethsetized. Upon waking, I found myself in the same room with several other patients, who were also being woken up. I fought the need to cough as long as I could, based on the dire warnings about coughing, but in the end I could not help it, and this seems to remain an issue. Hopefully I will still heal.

I returned to the room where I waited for someone to pick me up and take me home. I felt woozy but fortunately was not ill; my roommates were not so fortunate. It was a few hours before they brought dinner up, and rather frustrating to try and sign to explain I could not speak to every nurse that came by to ask me how I was doing. Susan had brought me a notebook, so I wrote this down and kept pointing at it until a nurse made me a placard that read 'complete voice rest'. After this, the nurses came to give me morphine and I slept until it was time to go home, the aftermath of which I posted about last night.

I woke this morning with searing pain in my throat; apparently the morphine had worn off. Breakfast will be eggs and tuna fish. This diet change will be difficult for me, since I love spicy foods and dairy more than anything.

It has been hard to explain myself, even using a notepad, for the past day or so. Concepts that I can explain with my voice don't make much sense unless I write out a paragraph. Certain things cannot be communicated by signs.

Because I am unable to work during this time, and it is even suggested that I not go out (as this will lead to the desire to speak), some of the dancers I know started a fundraiser for me, for which I am also appreciative. I am attaching a button in case anyone wishes to donate. The original goal was $1200, and is now $1040. It has been wonderful to find that so many people are willing to support me in different ways during this difficult time.

I will post again this evening.

Post Surgery

I have just returned home following surgery, and have filled at least eight pages of notebook paper already! Total silence is difficult and hand signs only get you so far. Now the challenge seems to be finding foods that don't involve dairy or spices, and only soft foods for the first week.
The operation went well; they even showed me pictures (which I didn't want to see). I am in a fair amount of pain but the morphine is helping.

I am feeling rather woozy from the pain medication so this will be a short post. Tonight's plan: watching Doctor Who, if I can stay awake.

A little more information about me: I am a dance instructor, theatre director, singer, and lecturer, so my voice is one of my most important assets. Even without all these things, however, I believe most people simply trust their voice to always be there and don't give it much thought; I know I didn't. Now I am acutely aware of it. I am hoping that post-surgery I will heal well and be able to return to my former occupations. However, I have no guarantees. So here's hoping. :)